Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Master told me to freewrite because I've been having a difficult morning. I hate the dark. I'm terrified of the dark, and my dad freaked out about energy usage, so now I sleep ( or more like don't sleep) in the dark. Over the past 2 days he's enforced this I've maybe gotten 6 hours in 2 nights total. I'm tired, jumpy, scared, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, even a little angry and resentful for Master not doing anything about it. I know he's just trying to help me get over my fear of the dark, but I feel like I'm getting worse. I'm getting jumpier and more paranoid every night. I'm exhausted during the day and it takes everything in my power to not become nocturnal. I want to obey him perfectly and without argument, but he expects me to do things that put our relationship at risk. My computer died, so I've been using my mom's. He wants me to start taking nude pictures (with my mom's camera) and post them on fetlife (with my mom's computer), to help me get over my self-conciousness. If I had my own laptop and my own camera that would be fine. I wouldn't have to be AS worried about my mom comming across a picture I accidentally forgot to delete after posting it to fetlife, and that's easy enough to do when you have at least 3 copies to worry about. You have the copy on the camera, the copy pre-cropped and the copy post cropped. It just scares the hell out of me. It could ruin everything if my mom finds those pictures, or I forget to clear my cache and my mom finds fetlife or this blog. She probably wouldn't react TOO terribly, but she'll tell Dad, and he's the one I'm afraid of knowing. Master and I won't be able to come here anymore, hell my Dad might even see it as an excuse to kick me out. And the alternative (going over to his grandma's) is probably even worse.