Sunday, January 20, 2008

Pushing boundaries

Kyle, I've noticed after the week of you making sure you dominated me completely I've been pushing you and you haven't been pushing back. When I do that and you don't push back I get panicky and uncomfortable. I think it may be part of the emotional issues I'm having lately. It makes me feel less safe when you don't assert your dominance over me when I'm being a brat for no good reason. You know how hard it is for me to make decisions, and you keep making me make more decisions. I think it's wearing on me.

When I throw a fit I need you to tell me you're there and I'm okay, I need you to control me. Usually you don't dominate me. You let me make my own decisions when I'm in that state, and it only scares me more. I need you to make decisions for me totally when I'm in that state. I love you so much and I don't want anything to happen that would tear our relationship apart, and I know in person I couldn't form the right words and that you needed to know this.

You don't need to be forceful to dominate, it's a mental state, like when you would tease me by switching roles and all it would take for me to calm down was you commanding me to look at you, I think something little like that would be all it would take for me to calm down. We've been dating for such a little time, yet I love you and trust you so completely, part of me is still afraid of something happening that would tear us apart. When you assert your dominance, it makes me feel reassured that you'll always be there. I love you.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Getting a job

I am terrified of the thought of getting a job. I worked at Party City for a while, and I think it really traumatized me. I have the need to impress people, or at the very least not disappoint people, not to mention a fear of being completely independent, and at Party City they took horrible advantage of that. I always felt degraded when I asked a question to make sure I was doing things correctly, and I was constantly lectured for being too slow and doing things wrong, even after I was only there a week. I came home and cried every night I worked, but my parents refused to let me quit no matter how much that place murdered my spirit. Thankfully, after working there for 2 months I was fired because my work schedule didn't coincide with their availability needs.

Not too long ago I got a job at GameStop. I thought it would be perfect for me since I love video games and I thought I wouldn't have to work register. I was wrong. The first day I worked there I was ok. I don't know what happened the next time I worked, but I ended up completely traumatized. Everything that happened at Party City came rushing back and I couldn't face it again. I was terrified of going back. I am an incredibly anti-confrontational person, and it took weeks for me to get up the courage to quit.

Now I am faced with a Work Study job and I'm afraid of it. Kyle is pushing me to take it, and I know he only wants what's best for me, but I'm truly terrified of working. I have to be independent, and I don't handle that well, not to mention the trauma of Party City still haunting me. I feel like a horrible sub for not being able to get up the courage to take a job, when Kyle is telling me to take it. I know he would never put me in a position that I couldn't handle intentionally, but I still can't get past my fears.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

For Kyle

You ask me what it is to be a submissive, and all I have to point to is Emma. I've tried to explain it through her words, but you want my own, so here they are. To be a submissive, to me, is to be completely dependant upon you for most things really, decision making, providing for me emotionally, really it's a need to be taken care of. I could do these things on my own, but I'd be even more stressed than I am usually, and probably depressed. You sort of blame Emma and Brian for me being this way, but it's not them.

Until Brian suggested it I thought I was crazy for wanting those things. I thought it was degrading and wrong for a woman to want to not be independent, yet that's what I wanted. I was confused and stressed and hated myself for what I wanted to be, yet was stressed and felt incomplete by not having it. Then I met Emma, and she clarified many things for me and for once I could talk to someone like me around my age.

For some reason you can't seem to get past the beatings, and the BDSM aspects of Emma's relationship. I've told you a hundred times that though I can relate to her in a lot of ways, that's not what I want. If you wanted to try it I'd be open to it, however, you don't and I never want you to do something you don't want to do for me. I never want you to be anything more or less than yourself. It's not an aspect of the relationship I need.

Being in a D/s relationship is what you make it, not what others have made it. I think you're slowly understanding that, but even still seem to need that clarification. There are thousands of resources telling you how to do things a thousand different ways, and you can choose to follow one, or not.

Thank you so much for being open-minded about this and for being the dom I need. I love you.