Monday, November 24, 2008


That stupid fucking selfish bitch. She only cares about herself, not her daughter who will be arriving from a tiring 4 hour drive, or her son in law who will be doing the driving, or her grandson for that matter, who wants to be able to see his girlfriend on Thanksgiving. No, it's all about her. And of course what she wants goes. No one will argue with Miss fucking British Bitch! She sees everyone around her as her personal (unpaid) servants. Only there to wait on her, and God forbid have a life outside of that, 'cuz that would be selfish! AUGH!

I don't even remember why I was stressed today after hearing that >.<

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Freewrite assignment

Master told me to freewrite because I've been having a difficult morning. I hate the dark. I'm terrified of the dark, and my dad freaked out about energy usage, so now I sleep ( or more like don't sleep) in the dark. Over the past 2 days he's enforced this I've maybe gotten 6 hours in 2 nights total. I'm tired, jumpy, scared, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, even a little angry and resentful for Master not doing anything about it. I know he's just trying to help me get over my fear of the dark, but I feel like I'm getting worse. I'm getting jumpier and more paranoid every night. I'm exhausted during the day and it takes everything in my power to not become nocturnal. I want to obey him perfectly and without argument, but he expects me to do things that put our relationship at risk. My computer died, so I've been using my mom's. He wants me to start taking nude pictures (with my mom's camera) and post them on fetlife (with my mom's computer), to help me get over my self-conciousness. If I had my own laptop and my own camera that would be fine. I wouldn't have to be AS worried about my mom comming across a picture I accidentally forgot to delete after posting it to fetlife, and that's easy enough to do when you have at least 3 copies to worry about. You have the copy on the camera, the copy pre-cropped and the copy post cropped. It just scares the hell out of me. It could ruin everything if my mom finds those pictures, or I forget to clear my cache and my mom finds fetlife or this blog. She probably wouldn't react TOO terribly, but she'll tell Dad, and he's the one I'm afraid of knowing. Master and I won't be able to come here anymore, hell my Dad might even see it as an excuse to kick me out. And the alternative (going over to his grandma's) is probably even worse.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


Master and I haven't been apart much since he lost his job. Today I am home while he is at a dentist appointment, and I don't know what to do with myself. I finished all my chores for the day in about an hour, and now I don't have much to do. To make things worse, I don't know what time the appointment will be over. I don't do very good with not having a set time when I will get to see him. I don't even have an approximate time, I can only assume around 2ish hours, and I could be totally wrong.

gah, back to gaia online, my latest addiction lol

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

bad day

Today was tough. I had a major meltdown at school (I hate doing that), the worst part being it was totally irrational and uncalled for, but I couldn't control it.

I don't handle change well, and Master decided to change our schedule a little bit. We both need jobs so Master decided to dedicate Wednesday afternoons to job hunting. Last night I misunderstood something he said to mean we weren't going to go today, so I quit mentally preparing myself for the change. When it came to light that that's not what he said/meant, I totally melted down. I accused him of lying and threw an all-out temper tantrum that ended in an anxiety attack. Once I calmed down we talked. He agreed to make sure he is more clear with what he means and I agreed to try to control myself to the best of my ability.

I suppose the problem I have is not knowing how to solve the root cause of all my anxiety problems. Most of the triggers are some sort of change in my life/schedule, and I know that's impossible to prevent. I can't hide from change, it happens whether I like it or not. I need to find a way to cope better than I am. Counseling won't help, the shrinks at Kaiser are nutjobs themselves, and closed-minded nutjobs at that. I can't afford to go to anyone but the Kaiser therapists because that's all the insurance will cover. I don't want to be constantly medicated, nor could I be, since the tranquilizers they have me on for severe anxiety attacks give me headaches and make me depressed. I feel so lost not knowing how to deal with it. Master doesn't know either, and it's frustrating.

Friday, October 17, 2008

List of talking points

The whole paragraph of questions- I need reassurance, even if it seems silly, I just need that reassurance.

Strengthening our M/s relationship. I feel like you're not being the master anymore, I feel like I can get my way if I push hard enough and I don't like that

I think that's it.

Need to rant

Kyle didn't ask me to post this, but he did tell me to write whenever I felt the need to. I guess this is one of those times.

I feel overly emotional, disobedient, and defiant. I don't like feeling like that. I wish I could understand everything going on in my head, every emotion, every time I'm blatantly defiant, every time I tell him no, just to make him mad. I wish I knew why. I can guess at it, try trial and error, and maybe eventually get there, but that's a long road. Today all of this finally hit me. So I turned to Emma's blog. Her mind and mine seem so similar, that sometimes her figuring something out for herself will help me to figure something out about myself.

Maybe I expect too much out of myself too soon. It has taken Emma years to get to be the slave she is. It's only been a little under a year for me. I guess I thought everything would just fall into place, that I would be his perfect slave in only a few months. Boy was I wrong. I need to realize that being a slave takes work, and a lot of it. It requires doing some soul searching of my own, not just expecting Kyle to understand me. In order for me to be a better slave I need to concede that it won't just happen, I need to work to get there. Reading Emma's post, Reflections, I realized that it is a very long road to get there. She has been her Master's slave for years, and she is still fighting with the exact same things I am now. Like her, maybe I will never be that quiet slave, maybe I am a different type of slave.

Maybe it's just fear. The fear of losing him, or of something happening and being left alone and totally dependent upon someone who isn't there anymore. Part of me is afraid of not being able to function in society if I had to, or of being too dependent upon him and him getting bored of me. What if I AM too clingy or too needy? Too incapable of making decisions on my own? What then? What if he gets bored of me or if he gets tired of me and dealing with my emotions and feelings? I feel like I should have been talking to him about all of this, but I don't know if I really realized all of this before today.

Lately I've felt horrible about myself. I gained 38 lbs in a year, and it makes me feel awful. Kyle hates it when I'm demeaning to myself, and I have been lately. I felt guilty about it so I didn't tell him I had been. I called myself a whore for previous actions about a year and a half ago or so. "Whore" is a word he explicitly told me not to use toward myself, but I did anyway. I guess the guilt of it and of not telling him I had disobeyed him finally built up and lead to all of this. I need to be more honest with him no matter the consequences. I need to tell him my feelings no matter what. I need to better communicate with him, and ask him for help when I can't control them. Instead I've been pushing him away, throwing fits, and doing everything in my power to get a rise out of him.

Emma, thank you for your blogs. They help me when I can't help myself.

Kyle, thank you for being so patient and trying to be understanding of my emotions. I need you and that will never change.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Pushing boundaries

Kyle, I've noticed after the week of you making sure you dominated me completely I've been pushing you and you haven't been pushing back. When I do that and you don't push back I get panicky and uncomfortable. I think it may be part of the emotional issues I'm having lately. It makes me feel less safe when you don't assert your dominance over me when I'm being a brat for no good reason. You know how hard it is for me to make decisions, and you keep making me make more decisions. I think it's wearing on me.

When I throw a fit I need you to tell me you're there and I'm okay, I need you to control me. Usually you don't dominate me. You let me make my own decisions when I'm in that state, and it only scares me more. I need you to make decisions for me totally when I'm in that state. I love you so much and I don't want anything to happen that would tear our relationship apart, and I know in person I couldn't form the right words and that you needed to know this.

You don't need to be forceful to dominate, it's a mental state, like when you would tease me by switching roles and all it would take for me to calm down was you commanding me to look at you, I think something little like that would be all it would take for me to calm down. We've been dating for such a little time, yet I love you and trust you so completely, part of me is still afraid of something happening that would tear us apart. When you assert your dominance, it makes me feel reassured that you'll always be there. I love you.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Getting a job

I am terrified of the thought of getting a job. I worked at Party City for a while, and I think it really traumatized me. I have the need to impress people, or at the very least not disappoint people, not to mention a fear of being completely independent, and at Party City they took horrible advantage of that. I always felt degraded when I asked a question to make sure I was doing things correctly, and I was constantly lectured for being too slow and doing things wrong, even after I was only there a week. I came home and cried every night I worked, but my parents refused to let me quit no matter how much that place murdered my spirit. Thankfully, after working there for 2 months I was fired because my work schedule didn't coincide with their availability needs.

Not too long ago I got a job at GameStop. I thought it would be perfect for me since I love video games and I thought I wouldn't have to work register. I was wrong. The first day I worked there I was ok. I don't know what happened the next time I worked, but I ended up completely traumatized. Everything that happened at Party City came rushing back and I couldn't face it again. I was terrified of going back. I am an incredibly anti-confrontational person, and it took weeks for me to get up the courage to quit.

Now I am faced with a Work Study job and I'm afraid of it. Kyle is pushing me to take it, and I know he only wants what's best for me, but I'm truly terrified of working. I have to be independent, and I don't handle that well, not to mention the trauma of Party City still haunting me. I feel like a horrible sub for not being able to get up the courage to take a job, when Kyle is telling me to take it. I know he would never put me in a position that I couldn't handle intentionally, but I still can't get past my fears.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

For Kyle

You ask me what it is to be a submissive, and all I have to point to is Emma. I've tried to explain it through her words, but you want my own, so here they are. To be a submissive, to me, is to be completely dependant upon you for most things really, decision making, providing for me emotionally, really it's a need to be taken care of. I could do these things on my own, but I'd be even more stressed than I am usually, and probably depressed. You sort of blame Emma and Brian for me being this way, but it's not them.

Until Brian suggested it I thought I was crazy for wanting those things. I thought it was degrading and wrong for a woman to want to not be independent, yet that's what I wanted. I was confused and stressed and hated myself for what I wanted to be, yet was stressed and felt incomplete by not having it. Then I met Emma, and she clarified many things for me and for once I could talk to someone like me around my age.

For some reason you can't seem to get past the beatings, and the BDSM aspects of Emma's relationship. I've told you a hundred times that though I can relate to her in a lot of ways, that's not what I want. If you wanted to try it I'd be open to it, however, you don't and I never want you to do something you don't want to do for me. I never want you to be anything more or less than yourself. It's not an aspect of the relationship I need.

Being in a D/s relationship is what you make it, not what others have made it. I think you're slowly understanding that, but even still seem to need that clarification. There are thousands of resources telling you how to do things a thousand different ways, and you can choose to follow one, or not.

Thank you so much for being open-minded about this and for being the dom I need. I love you.