Thursday, October 30, 2008


Master and I haven't been apart much since he lost his job. Today I am home while he is at a dentist appointment, and I don't know what to do with myself. I finished all my chores for the day in about an hour, and now I don't have much to do. To make things worse, I don't know what time the appointment will be over. I don't do very good with not having a set time when I will get to see him. I don't even have an approximate time, I can only assume around 2ish hours, and I could be totally wrong.

gah, back to gaia online, my latest addiction lol

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

bad day

Today was tough. I had a major meltdown at school (I hate doing that), the worst part being it was totally irrational and uncalled for, but I couldn't control it.

I don't handle change well, and Master decided to change our schedule a little bit. We both need jobs so Master decided to dedicate Wednesday afternoons to job hunting. Last night I misunderstood something he said to mean we weren't going to go today, so I quit mentally preparing myself for the change. When it came to light that that's not what he said/meant, I totally melted down. I accused him of lying and threw an all-out temper tantrum that ended in an anxiety attack. Once I calmed down we talked. He agreed to make sure he is more clear with what he means and I agreed to try to control myself to the best of my ability.

I suppose the problem I have is not knowing how to solve the root cause of all my anxiety problems. Most of the triggers are some sort of change in my life/schedule, and I know that's impossible to prevent. I can't hide from change, it happens whether I like it or not. I need to find a way to cope better than I am. Counseling won't help, the shrinks at Kaiser are nutjobs themselves, and closed-minded nutjobs at that. I can't afford to go to anyone but the Kaiser therapists because that's all the insurance will cover. I don't want to be constantly medicated, nor could I be, since the tranquilizers they have me on for severe anxiety attacks give me headaches and make me depressed. I feel so lost not knowing how to deal with it. Master doesn't know either, and it's frustrating.

Friday, October 17, 2008

List of talking points

The whole paragraph of questions- I need reassurance, even if it seems silly, I just need that reassurance.

Strengthening our M/s relationship. I feel like you're not being the master anymore, I feel like I can get my way if I push hard enough and I don't like that

I think that's it.

Need to rant

Kyle didn't ask me to post this, but he did tell me to write whenever I felt the need to. I guess this is one of those times.

I feel overly emotional, disobedient, and defiant. I don't like feeling like that. I wish I could understand everything going on in my head, every emotion, every time I'm blatantly defiant, every time I tell him no, just to make him mad. I wish I knew why. I can guess at it, try trial and error, and maybe eventually get there, but that's a long road. Today all of this finally hit me. So I turned to Emma's blog. Her mind and mine seem so similar, that sometimes her figuring something out for herself will help me to figure something out about myself.

Maybe I expect too much out of myself too soon. It has taken Emma years to get to be the slave she is. It's only been a little under a year for me. I guess I thought everything would just fall into place, that I would be his perfect slave in only a few months. Boy was I wrong. I need to realize that being a slave takes work, and a lot of it. It requires doing some soul searching of my own, not just expecting Kyle to understand me. In order for me to be a better slave I need to concede that it won't just happen, I need to work to get there. Reading Emma's post, Reflections, I realized that it is a very long road to get there. She has been her Master's slave for years, and she is still fighting with the exact same things I am now. Like her, maybe I will never be that quiet slave, maybe I am a different type of slave.

Maybe it's just fear. The fear of losing him, or of something happening and being left alone and totally dependent upon someone who isn't there anymore. Part of me is afraid of not being able to function in society if I had to, or of being too dependent upon him and him getting bored of me. What if I AM too clingy or too needy? Too incapable of making decisions on my own? What then? What if he gets bored of me or if he gets tired of me and dealing with my emotions and feelings? I feel like I should have been talking to him about all of this, but I don't know if I really realized all of this before today.

Lately I've felt horrible about myself. I gained 38 lbs in a year, and it makes me feel awful. Kyle hates it when I'm demeaning to myself, and I have been lately. I felt guilty about it so I didn't tell him I had been. I called myself a whore for previous actions about a year and a half ago or so. "Whore" is a word he explicitly told me not to use toward myself, but I did anyway. I guess the guilt of it and of not telling him I had disobeyed him finally built up and lead to all of this. I need to be more honest with him no matter the consequences. I need to tell him my feelings no matter what. I need to better communicate with him, and ask him for help when I can't control them. Instead I've been pushing him away, throwing fits, and doing everything in my power to get a rise out of him.

Emma, thank you for your blogs. They help me when I can't help myself.

Kyle, thank you for being so patient and trying to be understanding of my emotions. I need you and that will never change.