Kyle didn't ask me to post this, but he did tell me to write whenever I felt the need to. I guess this is one of those times.
I feel overly emotional, disobedient, and defiant. I don't like feeling like that. I wish I could understand everything going on in my head, every emotion, every time I'm blatantly defiant, every time I tell him no, just to make him mad. I wish I knew why. I can guess at it, try trial and error, and maybe eventually get there, but that's a long road. Today all of this finally hit me. So I turned to Emma's blog. Her mind and mine seem so similar, that sometimes her figuring something out for herself will help me to figure something out about myself.
Maybe I expect too much out of myself too soon. It has taken Emma years to get to be the slave she is. It's only been a little under a year for me. I guess I thought everything would just fall into place, that I would be his perfect slave in only a few months. Boy was I wrong. I need to realize that being a slave takes work, and a lot of it. It requires doing some soul searching of my own, not just expecting Kyle to understand me. In order for me to be a better slave I need to concede that it won't just happen, I need to work to get there. Reading Emma's post, Reflections, I realized that it is a very long road to get there. She has been her Master's slave for years, and she is still fighting with the exact same things I am now. Like her, maybe I will never be that quiet slave, maybe I am a different type of slave.
Maybe it's just fear. The fear of losing him, or of something happening and being left alone and totally dependent upon someone who isn't there anymore. Part of me is afraid of not being able to function in society if I had to, or of being too dependent upon him and him getting bored of me. What if I AM too clingy or too needy? Too incapable of making decisions on my own? What then? What if he gets bored of me or if he gets tired of me and dealing with my emotions and feelings? I feel like I should have been talking to him about all of this, but I don't know if I really realized all of this before today.
Lately I've felt horrible about myself. I gained 38 lbs in a year, and it makes me feel awful. Kyle hates it when I'm demeaning to myself, and I have been lately. I felt guilty about it so I didn't tell him I had been. I called myself a whore for previous actions about a year and a half ago or so. "Whore" is a word he explicitly told me not to use toward myself, but I did anyway. I guess the guilt of it and of not telling him I had disobeyed him finally built up and lead to all of this. I need to be more honest with him no matter the consequences. I need to tell him my feelings no matter what. I need to better communicate with him, and ask him for help when I can't control them. Instead I've been pushing him away, throwing fits, and doing everything in my power to get a rise out of him.
Emma, thank you for your blogs. They help me when I can't help myself.
Kyle, thank you for being so patient and trying to be understanding of my emotions. I need you and that will never change.