Wednesday, October 29, 2008

bad day

Today was tough. I had a major meltdown at school (I hate doing that), the worst part being it was totally irrational and uncalled for, but I couldn't control it.

I don't handle change well, and Master decided to change our schedule a little bit. We both need jobs so Master decided to dedicate Wednesday afternoons to job hunting. Last night I misunderstood something he said to mean we weren't going to go today, so I quit mentally preparing myself for the change. When it came to light that that's not what he said/meant, I totally melted down. I accused him of lying and threw an all-out temper tantrum that ended in an anxiety attack. Once I calmed down we talked. He agreed to make sure he is more clear with what he means and I agreed to try to control myself to the best of my ability.

I suppose the problem I have is not knowing how to solve the root cause of all my anxiety problems. Most of the triggers are some sort of change in my life/schedule, and I know that's impossible to prevent. I can't hide from change, it happens whether I like it or not. I need to find a way to cope better than I am. Counseling won't help, the shrinks at Kaiser are nutjobs themselves, and closed-minded nutjobs at that. I can't afford to go to anyone but the Kaiser therapists because that's all the insurance will cover. I don't want to be constantly medicated, nor could I be, since the tranquilizers they have me on for severe anxiety attacks give me headaches and make me depressed. I feel so lost not knowing how to deal with it. Master doesn't know either, and it's frustrating.

No comments: